regret Archives - South Valley Therapy

I’ve been thinking a lot about regrets lately. We all have them, but what we do with them directly impacts our level of happiness. It is very easy to look back and focus on the “coulda, woulda, shoulda” of the situation. I have found that kind of thinking leads us to spiral downward into regret, self-blame and depression. Rather than healing, it leads to feeling worse and being stuck in grief.

The reality is regretting a past behavior, decision, relationship, etc. keeps us looking at the past. As there are no true do-overs we can not go back and undo it, but we can take steps to change our present and future.

So what does this mean for those of us who are grieving? From my experience it means that we have a few choices:

1) Ignore the regret and pain or pretend it isn’t there. With either, we carry it around with us and watch as it rears it’s ugly head in painful or destructive ways.

2) Ruminate on the regrets, beat ourselves up and stay stuck in the pain and grief.

3) We can practice forgiveness of ourselves and others.

I have many regrets. For a while, I lived using the second option above. I got really good at it; I could ruminate night and day! But it just caused more pain and didn’t change the past. I thought holding on to pain and regret was the only way I could keep the good stuff close as well.

Thankfully, I had a very wise friend who pointed out my misconception. The good memories weren’t going anywhere. They were mine to keep. All the regrets and pain that I was drowning in actually made it harder to remember the good feelings and memories. Letting go of the pain didn’t mean I was letting go of the person I had lost!

Another lesson came a few years later. It’s a phrase I use frequently with myself and others: “I did the best I could with what I had at the time”. The heart of the message is that forgiving ourselves and others doesn’t mean we are “ok” with what happened. It means that we accept that we did our best…THEN – Not our best now with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight.

The final stage of grief is acceptance which is profoundly different from approval. And this is true whether you’re grieving the loss of a person or a pet, the loss of a relationship or identity, or the loss of safety following a trauma. We don’t have to like our present circumstances, but acceptance means we stop fighting against the truth. Acceptance means that we offer ourselves forgiveness for our regrets and know that we did, indeed, do the best we could at the time with what we had.

Warmly,

Chris Adams Hill, LCSW

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vicki Harrison

No matter who you are, where you’re from, or what you do, there is one certainty in life: change. Often change comes in the form of a loss of some kind. Loss of a loved one, a job, a pet, a relationship, health, etc. Loss can also come as a result of trauma. We may lose our sense of safety, ability to trust others or ourselves, we may lose faith in people or a higher power.

All of these kinds of losses cause us pain, can challenge our identity, strain relationships and present distinct challenges that may feel overwhelming. There are some very important things to keep in mind as we go through different stages of healing after a life-altering experience.

1. Grief is painful, deeply personal and can be exhausting.

These points may sound obvious, but they are important to keep in mind. All grief hurts so don’t compare yours to someone else’s and decide you don’t have a right to be sad or that you (or they) “should be over it by now”. Grieving takes time, energy and effort, but healing is possible.

2. We all have the right to grieve in a way that works for us.

As long as we aren’t harming others, we get to decide what we need to heal. This means we may not feel like talking much about our loss, or we may want to talk a lot. We may feel overwhelmed, or it may pass more quickly than we expected. What matters is that we process the feelings brought on by the loss. If we push them down, ignore them, or cover them up with alcohol, drugs or other unhealthy coping mechanisms, they will continue to burden us and we will continue to be in pain until we deal with the loss.

3. No matter what your loss or trauma, grieving requires two things; you must face it and feel it.

This is the scariest part, at first. However, the beauty of this process is that after taking the first step or two we realize that facing our loss and acknowledging our new reality helps us begin to feel better. If we are unable or unwilling to take this step we can become stuck in our grief and we may suffer far longer than necessary.

Sadness, heartache, tearfulness, and exhaustion are very common during the grief process. Some prefer to go through this process on their own, others seek out support. Neither way is right or wrong. It is important though to make sure that grieving doesn’t bring about unsafe or unproductive thoughts, feelings or behaviors.

Here are some signs to watch for; if any of these arise, please seek out professional support:

A) Feelings of hopelessness or thoughts of suicide

B) Difficulty sleeping, eating or working

C) Frequent tearfulness

D) Use of alcohol or drugs to cope

E) Relationship problems

F) Anger outbursts

Grieving takes time, but the heartache can lessen, the burden lift and we can find joy again.

Warmly,

Chris

Tag Archives: regret

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