Chris Adams Richards offers her insight and wisdom on How To Release Anger in a Healthy Way over on Personal Development Genesis. Click on over!
photo credit: i’m madder than you. via photopin (license)
Women’s Winter Support Group
Women’s Group
December 2nd – February 10th
12/23 and 12/30 Off for the holidays
Tuesdays 6:30 – 8:00 PM
A Weekly Support Group For Women
Join us while we support and empower each other through our weekly group discussions. Experience the power that can come from sharing your struggles and victories with like-minded women.
This is an on-going support group that cycles every 9 weeks. An 9 week commitment is requested. There will be a 2 week break between cycles for those wishing to continue.
- Ages 18 and Older
- We will do a brief intake assessment to better understand your needs and goals from this group
When: December 2 – February 10
Time: Tuesdays 6:30 – 8:00 pm
Cost: $270 paid in advance or two scheduled payments of $135
To inquire or register call or email Chris:
385-204-6709
[email protected]
Download Flyer: Women’s Winter Group
Women’s Support Group Starting September 16th
Women’s Group
September 16th – November 11th
Tuesdays 6:30 – 8:00 PM
A Weekly Support Group For Women
Join us while we support and empower each other through our weekly group discussions. Experience the power that can come from sharing your struggles and victories with like-minded women.
This is an on-going support group that cycles every 9 weeks. An 9 week commitment is requested. There will be a 2 week break between cycles for those wishing to continue.
- Ages 18 and Older
- We will do a brief intake assessment to better understand your needs and goals from this group
When: September 16th – November 11th
Time: Tuesdays 6:30 – 8:00 pm
Cost: $270 paid in advance or two scheduled payments of $135
To inquire or register call or email Chris:
385-204-6709
[email protected]
Just Get Over It!
Seriously? How is that phrase helpful? And yet, we say it to ourselves, we hear it from others. When just insisting that we should simply “get over it” doesn’t work, we start to wonder “What’s wrong with me? Other people don’t struggle like this!”. Don’t they? I think this may be one of the most insidious myths out there. We assume that because people function – go to work, interact with friends, take care of kids or pets or homes, that they have figured out the magic formula for “getting over it”. The truth is that many of them are actually also hiding pain and trying to figure out what to do about it.
So, what is this really about and what does it mean to “get over it”? My therapist brain kicks in here and for me it means that the past doesn’t have power over the present. In other words, I may have sad or distressing memories, but when they pop up I think, “yeah, that was such a sad time”, or “I really miss them”, or “I wish things had been different”, but then I am able to refocus on the present. When we can’t “get over it” we feel stuck, depressed, or anxious, and then on top of feeling low we may judge ourselves for feeling that way. Wow! Way to kick yourself when you’re down! And this may not just happen in our own heads. Sometimes those around us don’t understand what we’re going through and they reinforce the shame we feel that we can’t “get over it”! Regardless of their intentions, it hurts.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that phrase from other people – both as a therapist and as someone who randomly gets stopped in the grocery store so people can tell me their problems. (This seriously happens!) So, why are so many people feeling like this? And more importantly, why might you be feeling like this? Well, it’s a simple question with a simple answer. We don’t just “get over” certain things (usually painful, shaming, traumatic, or abusive things) because these experiences are far more complicated than that. If it was simple we would just let it go, get over it, move on. When we don’t it’s because we can’t…yet.
So now what? You don’t have to stay stuck in your pain and shame. You can move forward, but usually that means that you will need to move through the pain rather than just go around it or try to ignore it. As I work with people one of the most common realizations they have is “I’m not crazy!” I’ve heard it over and over again. And they’re right! Anxiety can make you feel “crazy”, trauma responses can have you looking “crazy” to others who don’t understand, and when these things feel true we start to wonder why we’re such a mess. The truth is usually pretty simple: we are responding in a reasonable way to an unreasonable experience. In other words, our response makes sense in light of what we have gone through whether it is grief, abuse, trauma, etc. AND keep in mind that when we experience something today and our reaction seems disproportionate, it’s probably because it triggered something from the past. So, again, our response makes sense when we look at the big picture of our lives.
If you’re feeling stuck, there’s hope. The process can be scary to begin because you may have been running from your feelings for a long time, but after you take that first step it gets better. You don’t have to be alone in this process. There are people who have been where you are and know how to get where you want to be – living a more peaceful, centered life where your present isn’t overshadowed by your past. Sometimes these people are therapists, sometimes they’re wise friends. Look for them. Seek them out because you are worth it. You don’t have to drag your past around with you. You can set it down and move forward.
What to do When Grief Overwhelms You
Feel the pain of the loss and recognize how your life is different and then take a break.
Grief seems to have a life and timetable all its own. What I mean is that we can’t decide when we’re done grieving and we can’t predict when we will be hit by a wave of grief. It’s like grief is a living entity that takes up space in our head, heart and life and sometimes it feels like it’s running the show. Those of you who are grieving right now or who have grieved in the past, understand what I’m talking about. We hurt every day – sometimes more and sometimes less. We can feel like we’re on a runaway train unable to change direction or speed.
So, what can we do? Grief seems to take over when it’s least convenient – when we’re sitting at our desk trying to get work done, when we are at the movies, or when we are trying to show up for someone else and celebrate something happy for them, etc. Part of the grieving process that can be tricky is realizing that we can’t control it. And we all want to control things! So the fear that comes with a lack of control coupled with the pain of the grief itself can feel overwhelming! There is one approach that I have found helpful. That is to fully live in the moment. So when a wave of grief begins to swell up and wash over you, allow it. Be present in that moment. Feel the pain of the loss and recognize how your life is different and then take a break. Here are some suggestions for how to do this:
1. Name your feelings: “I feel overwhelmed by sadness and pain right now because I know I can’t go back in time before my loss”, “I am so lonely and my heart feels like it weighs a thousand pounds”, “This pain feels like it’s engulfing me right now”, “My heart is broken and I don’t know if it will ever feel ok again”. Naming your emotions (not judging them) helps you put words on feelings and gives you power. It helps you gently move from feeling helpless to finding ways to move through the feelings.
2. Breathe. Take deep belly breaths that start at your diaphragm and fill your lungs all the way up. You can combine this with pressing your feet into the floor and your hips back into your chair as you inhale then relax as you exhale.
3. Blow out your breath when you’re crying; pretend you’re blowing out a candle when you exhale. Oftentimes we hold our breath when we cry and that leads to an increase in stress on an unconscious level. If you have a tendency to cry till you are doing that hiccupy kind of crying, it probably means you’re holding your breath. So, blow it out. It will help you self-sooth and you won’t typically cry as long or as hard.
4. Seek the company of a support person or furry friend. Some people are really good at sitting with us while we cry or feel deeply sad. If you don’t have someone like that in your life, find support from a pet. I remember one particularly low moment in my grief process. I was lying in bed crying and my Australian Shepard got on the bed and laid down on top of me the length of my body with his head snuggled against my cheek. He just laid there till I was ready to get up and keep going. Our pets are sensitive to our physical reactions to grief and they show up for us in different ways, but ultimately their message is often, “love me so that you know that I love you”.
5. Take breaks. Force yourself if you have to, but find ways to distract. Watch a funny movie, get outside and move your body, get a massage, etc. You may do these things half-heartedly, but do them. Your grief will be there waiting for you when you’re done. You need a break so you can keep moving forward.
6. I realize there are times when following these steps isn’t really possible – at work, for example. So if you have to escape to the bathroom for a few minutes, shed a few tears, and tuck the pain away so you can get back to work, that is understandable. When you get home take some time to honor the feelings that were crashing around you, feel them and acknowledge how much courage it takes to grieve.
We can’t control what when we will experience a loss, but we can choose what we will do to cope once it has occurred. In this exact moment, you can take control by choosing to feel your grief. Embracing your feelings will help the sadness, grief and loss flow over and through you rather than getting stuck. It will be difficult and it might be scary to be vulnerable, but remember there is no way to out run or escape your grief. The only way is to move through it. Be kind to yourself and trust that even though you hurt right now, you won’t always feel like this.
How To Practice Vulnerability
If you are wounded and hiding your true self away, perhaps it is time to heal your wounds
Chris has made another wonderful contribution to this week’s digest on authenticwomancafe.com. This week’s digest is devoted to tips and perspectives on How To Practice Vulnerability.
Photo Credit: http://freestock.ca/conceptual_g65-mending_a_broken_heart_p2490.html
5 Things You Can Do When You’re Triggered By Violence In The News
As a country, we have seen so much tragedy and violence in recent months. Many of you may have read that there have been approximately 74 incidents of gun violence in schools (K-12 through University/College) since Sandy Hook less than 2 years ago! Not to mention the countless incidents of violence that happen in our communities daily. These numbers are appalling and horrifying. And they’re so much more than numbers! These incidents involve many people’s lives, safety and future. If you are a survivor of interpersonal violence, gun violence, abuse, sexual assault, combat, etc, these events carry yet another lay of meaning for you. Traumas tend to build on one another in layers and when one layer is triggered all of them are triggered. If you have not survived violence, you are still exposed to it through repetitive news casts, videos through social media, and print articles. This is its own kind of traumatic experience since we fear for others’ safety, feel saddened, mourn for their families and worry about whether we or our loved ones are safe.
We’re shocked, we worry, we care, we’re horrified, we feel afraid. All of these responses, and many others, make sense and personal experiences play a huge role in how we respond. So, what do we do? How can we cope?
Here are some things you can do to decrease your anxiety and increase your ability to function when you’re triggered by violence. These ideas don’t solve social issues, but they will help you cope!
1. Turn off the television, unplug from social media and internet news sources
Depending on how plugged in you are, this can be challenging. We want to know what happened, if people are hurt, who did it and why. The problem is that those answers usually take time to gather and in the meantime, news stations report the same information and video clips over and over and over as they wait for more information. Sometimes they speculate and those speculations end up being false. Limit yourself and just watch the evening news, perhaps, or read one newspaper per day – or less. Likewise, provide information to your children – talk to them in an age appropriate way about why it isn’t helpful for them to be plugged in right now or glued to the TV either.
2. Practice mindfulness
Pay attention to increased anxiety, depression, difficulties sleeping or focusing on tasks. Often bringing our attention back to the here and now can help with this. Take a deep belly breath – not one that only fills the top part of your lungs, but one that originates in your belly and then fills your lungs all the way to the top. Take 10 nice belly breaths in a row and notice how your anxiety decreases and your focus shifts to you in this very moment. That is just one way of practicing mindfulness and it’s a powerful tool. Do this multiple times per day; the more you practice, the quicker your body responds and calms.
3. Be kind to yourself
When we get triggered and our ability to manage our emotions or typical day to day situations decreases, it’s very common to begin an internal dialogue that can sound like, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just get over it?” We can also hear similar things from others who don’t understand what it’s like to be a trauma survivor. These thoughts, beliefs and judgements are not helpful nor are they truthful. When these kinds of judgements, internal or external, come up, remember that you feel how you feel for a reason. Identify the reason and take action. In the meantime, practice kind, loving self-talk: “I got triggered. That’s why I feel so anxious. All I need to do right now is breathe. I can get through this.” Take a few minutes for yourself, or more if you can. Take a hot bath, listen to some music that you love, read, draw, play with your pets. Do things that help you focus on the present moment and that help calm you.
4. Be of service
Sometimes when we see pain and tragedy in other’s lives it can feel like there is so much wrong with the world. So, be part of the solution. Take action in big or small ways and be of service. Volunteer, do something kind for friends or family, make a financial contribution to a cause that’s important to you, write letters to your leaders in government. When you feel powerless remember that feelings are not facts. You have the power to bring about change – even if it’s only to improve one person’s life today.
5. Get support
If you find yourself overwhelmed, anxious or depressed and having a difficult time managing life, get support. If you find yourself drinking or using other substances to numb your feelings now is the time to ask for help. The same is true if you see your loved ones struggling. Asking for help can be difficult and not all cultures, families, communities see asking for help as a strength. However, getting support from a friend or a professional can make a huge difference in how you feel and how you’re able to function in your relationships and at work. The truth is that traumatic experiences can have a lasting impact in how we feel and function, but it is also possible to heal and feel better than you do now. Your experiences will always be part of your story, but they don’t have to dominate your daily life. You can heal and feel better!
Empowerment 101: Understanding and Treating Trauma
Empowerment 101: Understanding and Treating Trauma
On Friday May 30th, 2014, Chris and Misty offered this presentation to a wonderful group of professionals at Salt Lake Behavioral Health. This powerpoint presentation offers an overview of the stages of working with trauma, the symptoms of trauma and tools for working with survivors. Please feel free to download the powerpoint and if you have any questions or would like to coordinate a presentation of this material at your agency – give us a call.
Download: Empowerment 101
WOMEN EMPOWERED! Workshop Saturday June 21st
WOMEN EMPOWERED!
Saturday June 21st, 2014
9am – Noon
Location: TBD
How can I love my imperfect self?
Daily we are presented with idealized images of perfection. Our bodies, parties, the food we make, the clothes we wear, our children – we pin these images in hopes that we can replicate perfection in our daily lives. Even though deep down we know perfection is impossible – we still feel overwhelmed and like failures. Our culture and the heavy influence of media images affects us all – creating a constant pressure to meet unrealistic standards. Come learn tools to understand the influence of our culture and the media on our self esteem and the negative beliefs we create about ourselves.
This 3 hour workshop will teach you to deconstruct these pervasive messages and provide tools and empowerment to break free of the impact of perfectionism.
Cost: $100
CEUs: Pending
To be notified when registration begins and for updated information please subscribe to our blog. Sign up is on the right side of this page.
Flyer Download: WOMEN EMPOWERED
The Only Way Through Grief….Face It And Feel It
The only way to resolve the pain we experience when a relationship ends is to grieve the relationship.
Over on the Personal Development Cafe they have a digest with perspectives on How To Deal With Romantic Relationships. Chris has provided insight on how to deal with pain that occurs when relationships end. Check it out on Personal Development Cafe.
photo credit: Wendy Longo photography via photopin cc
