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Author Archives: South Valley Therapy

4 Things You Should Not Say To Someone Who’s Grieving

Posted on by Posted in Grief

When someone we love experiences a loss or trauma we want to help. We want to say the “right” thing and ease their pain or reassure them. It’s impossible to know exactly what to say because we can’t read minds (shocking I know). But I have found that there are certain things we should avoid saying.iStock_000001837316Large

1.  You will have other children/find another partner/get another pet.

This statement may come from a place of caring and wanting to help, but it only serves to diminish the value and importance of the loss. It implies that the void left by the loss is easily filled. No matter the spirit in which this comment is made, it is hurtful and insulting.

2.  Say nothing and ignore that anything happened.

When we don’t know what to say or do sometimes we may stay silent. Grief can be overwhelming and scary, but as much as you may feel uncertain of what to do, saying nothing can be incredibly hurtful. Chances are that the message received by your grieving friend will be that you don’t care.

3.  It’s been ____ months/years, it’s time to get over it and move on.

There is a common myth that the grieving process “should” be completed in a year. This may be true for some, but is not true for others. Each person has a right to process grief in their own way and this means that some will grieve longer than others. The other problem with this comment is that we don’t “get over” grief. We move through it and learn to carry it differently over time, but it is always part of our story. No matter how long it has been since a loss we can get triggered, have a difficult time coping around anniversaries or just feel the loss more deeply at times. There’s no timetable for grief and implying that there is invalidates the pain and complexity of the grief experience.

4.  Let me know if I can do anything.

Ok, to clarify, this is not a hurtful thing to say, but it has become trite and overused. Even when said with complete sincerity and a desire to be of service chances are you will never get a call asking for support. So if you sincerely want to help, offer specific and personalized service. For example, bring dinner once a week for the first month or two, call regularly just to say you’re thinking about them, offer to run an errand or ask which chores you can help with. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time, it can be simple and yet these acts of service help to lessen the feeling of isolation that often comes along with grief.

The most powerful things you can do or say when someone is grieving are usually the simplest: I love you. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take the hurt away. These statements validate and comfort. So when you don’t know what to say, keep it simple and show your caring and support through actions as well as words.

Warmly,

Chris

4 Things You Can Do To Keep Someone Addicted

Posted on by Posted in Addiction

Smoking Girl

No matter how much we want someone to stop using drugs or alcohol we cannot force them to change. No amount of meditation, prayer, yelling, wishing, visiting a voodoo shaman or purchasing a magic potion off the internet will cause someone to wake up one morning and just decide to be sober and follow through. Change must come from the addicted person

We can engage in patterns of behavior that may seem helpful, but actually undermine recovery. The following four behaviors are common missteps we see:

1. Co-Dependency

Co-Dependency involves placing a lower priority on your own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. It has roots in caring, but it is caring gone wrong. It robs the other person of independence and experiencing consequences – both positive and negative. It sucks time and energy from our mental health, relationships and pursuits.

A common example of co-dependent behavior in this context is a person who constantly re-arranges their personal schedule to accommodate a loved one’s schedule. They do this to ease their own mind, as though the stress of an addict managing their own life would cause them to relapse. The message of co-dependency is either: 1) we don’t believe you are able to do it on your own, or 2) we don’t trust you to do it on your own.

2.    Enabling

Enabling is doing for others what they can do for themselves. It perpetuates unhealthy behaviors, as the addicted person never has to experience the negative consequences.

Some examples of enabling include: your husband gets a DUI and goes to jail. Do you bail him out? Do you rescue him from the consequences of his behavior?

Your child steals money to pay for their habit. What do you do? Do you gloss over it or cover the overdraft expenses? Or do you talk to your child about their options; which can include getting treatment or calling the police? And then follow through with your decision – no matter how frightening it may be to you.

The message of enabling is similar to co-dependency – we don’t think you are capable to do for yourself or we are afraid of what will happen if we don’t do it for you.

3. Unhealthy Boundaries

While someone is active in their addiction setting a boundary is likely to elicit a strong emotional reaction. The resulting behavior is often acting out which can include emotional outbursts, threats, saying hurtful things and sometimes even physical violence (more likely if violence was already an issue in the relationship).

When an addicted person wants to be healthy and work on their sobriety, they may not like boundaries, but they understand the purpose of them.

Knowing when to set limits, say no and put yourself first is difficult. It is as much art as science, you will make mistakes and it is ok because you are not responsible for the other person’s response. Setting healthy boundaries suggests a need to be selfish – not in the sense we normally think about, where a selfish person does not care about others – rather, it is about self-care and putting the oxygen mask on yourself first and then the other person. If you do not have the ability to breathe and make calm decisions you cannot help yourself or others.

4. Fear-Driven Decisions

Fear is powerful and has a purpose, but if it is the driving factor in how you make decisions regarding your loved one struggling with addiction, chances are you are unintentionally feeding the addiction.

Over the years I have seen many examples of family members making fear-driven decisions. These decisions can include scenarios such as allowing a loved one who is high to be in your home, going out and buying drugs/alcohol for a loved one, submitting to unreasonable requests that are truly just veiled threats or manipulations, etc. The fear is about what may happen to the addicted person if we don’t do what they ask. We are more concerned about what may happen in the short term if we don’t accommodate their request, rather than being focused on healthy behaviors that will support sobriety.

The good news is we can change these behaviors. It can feel overwhelming and scary, but education and support can guide you in creating healthy behaviors that support recovery.

If you feel like any of this discussion describes a situation you or someone you know is experiencing, we can help. Please call or visit us online at www.southvalleytherapy.com or email us at [email protected].

Warmly,

Misty & Chris

 

Want to be stuck in your grief? Here’s how!

Posted on by Posted in Grief

RegretI’ve been thinking a lot about regrets lately. We all have them, but what we do with them directly impacts our level of happiness. It is very easy to look back and focus on the “coulda, woulda, shoulda” of the situation. I have found that kind of thinking leads us to spiral downward into regret, self-blame and depression. Rather than healing, it leads to feeling worse and being stuck in grief.

The reality is regretting a past behavior, decision, relationship, etc. keeps us looking at the past. As there are no true do-overs we can not go back and undo it, but we can take steps to change our present and future.

So what does this mean for those of us who are grieving? From my experience it means that we have a few choices:

1) Ignore the regret and pain or pretend it isn’t there. With either, we carry it around with us and watch as it rears it’s ugly head in painful or destructive ways.

2) Ruminate on the regrets, beat ourselves up and stay stuck in the pain and grief.

OR

3) We can practice forgiveness of ourselves and others.

I have many regrets. For a while, I lived using the second option above. I got really good at it; I could ruminate night and day! But it just caused more pain and didn’t change the past. I thought holding on to pain and regret was the only way I could keep the good stuff close as well.

Thankfully, I had a very wise friend who pointed out my misconception. The good memories weren’t going anywhere. They were mine to keep. All the regrets and pain that I was drowning in actually made it harder to remember the good feelings and memories. Letting go of the pain didn’t mean I was letting go of the person I had lost!

Another lesson came a few years later. It’s a phrase I use frequently with myself and others: “I did the best I could with what I had at the time”. The heart of the message is that forgiving ourselves and others doesn’t mean we are “ok” with what happened. It means that we accept that we did our best…THEN – Not our best now with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight.

The final stage of grief is acceptance which is profoundly different from approval. And this is true whether you’re grieving the loss of a person or a pet, the loss of a relationship or identity, or the loss of safety following a trauma. We don’t have to like our present circumstances, but acceptance means we stop fighting against the truth. Acceptance means that we offer ourselves forgiveness for our regrets and know that we did, indeed, do the best we could at the time with what we had.

Warmly,

Chris Adams Hill, LCSW